Okay, so I know that a lot of men struggle to find a good gift for their ladies. Allow me to stick my head in here, and let you all know how it's done.
Men, don't fall into the trap of thinking your woman wants candles, chocolates or stuffed toys. We live in the 21st century. These days women can be doctors, or even mechanics, and they don't need to feel like you're providing for them, because it's probably the other way around.
But hey, don't feel useless, because there's one thing women can't do on their own: protect themselves. (This statement is void for women who drive Land Rovers, wear power suits, or who are mannish dykes.)
Show your lady you care by buying her some muscle. Something to defend herself with when she winds up in a shadowy corner at night, with a slowly encroaching bandit.
GIFT IDEA #1 - Pepper Spray
This is the bread and butter of women's defence. Most badass bitches will carry a spray can of this stuff around with them at night.
When sprayed into the eyes, pepper spray causes the victim so much pain that they're forced to shut their eyes and weep like a kid who fell of a swing. Although it's effective, it's a pretty lame weapon, and your woman won't earn much street cred with a little can. Only buy this if you're short on your dough.
GIFT IDEA #2 - Killer Dog
It turns out that Man's Best Friend is a pretty proficient killing machine. Men, if your woman needs some extra bite, look no further.
When I say "Killer Dog", I'm not talking about a killer Chihuahua (pictured above). That shit is weak. Your woman needs a dog at least as large as a baby hippopotamus. Good breeds are anything big and with a frightening name. The Bully Kutta is a good example.
Before you gift the dog to your woman, train it to be extra-antisocial and aggressive by putting it in a small metal cage and banging loudly on the bars with an umbrella. Teasing it with food and making frightening faces will also prepare the dog to kill most things upon its release.
Put it on a leash and give it to your lady, and there you have it, protected woman*.
*Or dead woman.
GIFT IDEA #3 - Guns
Everyone likes a good old gun. Not only does equipping your woman with a gun make her a formidable opponent, it also makes her super-sexy. Like Angelina Jolie in a spy movie.
There are different sorts of guns for different sorts of women, and while I'm no expert on guns, here are a few ideas:
- Handguns are a good choice for most occasions. They only require one hand to fire, so if you buy your woman two, she can fire both of them at the same time. Handguns will be useful against one to three attackers.
- If your woman is likely to be attacked by numerous assailants at once, you may want to consider a machine gun. Your woman will be able to fire off hundreds of bullets within a single minute, which is an advantage if she's a horrible aim. For most effective use, fire continuously whilst flailing the line of fire in all directions. A machine gun should be able to take down a good fifty-or-so attackers
- If your woman is likely to be hunting dragons, mountain giants or other oversized mythical faunae, a bazooka is a good choice. Coupling mighty firepower with portability, your woman will be known throughout the provinces as a truly barbaric warrior-ette in no time.
GIFT IDEA #4 - Mace
"But I thought mace was just another name for pepper spray," I hear you say.
Wrong. A mace is a weapon from the middle ages, before lethal long-range weapons were invented. It's pretty much a pointy stick. The one pictured above is my favourite variation, but you can also get less-fancy ones which look like baseball bats with nails sticking out of them.
If your woman likes it rough, this is the weapon for her. It calls for close-range combat and wild flailing of the arms without any real skill or tact.
Whilst it will most definitely ensure that people don't mess with her, it tends to be highly conspicuous and difficult to fit in a handbag. As such, the mace may alienate your woman from the people around her. It's up to you to decide whether the pros outweigh the cons, but as far as I see it, complete social isolation is a small price to pay for security.
